work life harmony and leadership for your employees teams and students redefined

Take away the pain in your organization; making it easier for your leaders to lead and easier for your people to follow and develop! I'm Andre Young, speaker, author, trainer, and Founder of You Evolving Now. I worked as a Mental Health Therapist for 19 years, been an employee, business owner, and self-employed, played sports at every level from high school to professional, lived in inner-city row homes to  luxury homes, been married, divorced, and remarried, written 4 books, have four amazing kids, a wonderful wife… and the truth is… no matter where you go, people are the same as they are different and most would like to EVOLVE Professionally and Personally, but are too busy being their defintion of "Busy" to do so. Ehance Leadership & Work/Life Harmony in your Company, Employees, and Teams with my on-site Training Programs and Speaking Engagements. Visit the You Evolving Now's On-Site Services & Packages Tab for more information and let's make an impact!

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the leaders pacification the problem and solution

There is an ebb and flow to everything… including our work, our relationships, household, and our lives. There are times when we’re strict and intensely focused on achieving the dream and fulfilling the processes that will get us there… and there’re times we slack off, let things go, and chill. This is human nature and the more we can…  and are willing to manage the ebb and flow of this will make us true leaders, in and of our own lives… as well as in our work!

In order to do this, the two most important things we must acknowledge and understand is… 1) What’s done in the beginning, will be expected in the middle and the end. 2) Pacification rarely leads to success.

Years ago, I worked as a Mental Health Therapist in Alternative Schools and loved the job. What an awesome hands-on (sometimes, literally hands-on) way to make to make a positive impact in the lives of others, their families, and futures! As I watched many teachers come, go, and stay… I recognized one truth… The teacher that started the year soft and pacified students were very soon eaten alive and left to become dejected, frustrated, easily burnt-out, and lost the year! This was true EVERY TIME… and rarely could any teacher change the flow mid-year. If they were up for it… the beginning of the next school year was their shot!

This hard to watch crash and burn wasn’t due to their lack of knowledge, a lack of passion, or lack of effort; rather the was presence of pacification and absence of expectations. Most people are willing to do what they were initially trained, expected, or allowed to do. People, employees, students, and, our children… want to do what they’ve been doing… because its familiar and a habit. If we start soft, with no expectations, and pacifying situations due to our fear of being the “Bad Guy”, their temper tantrums, or our anxiety… they will, by habit and nature, expect things to continue that way.

What do I mean by pacify? Watch a baby become uncomfortable and burst into crying… what do the parents do? They pick up the child and get the pacifier. They will tear their house apart searching for that pacifier, get in the car to go buy a new pacifier, get them ordered to their door in bulk… just to stop this little itty-bity baby from crying… anything to stop the baby from crying! It’s easy for us as people and new leaders to do the same. Instead we pacify our employees, our friends, children, and/or partners; allowing them to run rampant in our lives, the job, the classroom, and in our relationship without expectations and boundaries. Then… we get frustrated, burnt-out, mad, then self-righteous as we feel justified to either do less and be less in the relationships or explode with blame, accusations, and self-righteousness. This is the typical process: the supervisor who pacifies employees only to disappear into their office or is perpetually aggravated and stressed as all of the pressure falls on them. The husband or wife that has taken on all of the household duties and is now shut down emotionally or fuming all the time; making it impossible to evolve the relationship. The parent that pacifies their children so they don’t have to deal with the temper-tantrum later feels hopeless, broken, and a victim in their home or blames the children for their behavior bringing them to countless therapists asking for their kids to be “fixed”. The employee, spouse, and children aren’t broken… your process is and if you’re up for it… it will take work to fix it!

This is important to know… things don’t have to stay this way. If you’re a brand-new leader… this process will be easier. If you are in the midst of a mess, it WILL get harder before it gets better; as it’s difficult, but not impossible to break habits. Some employees, students, partners, and kids are dying for the change because they see how dysfunctional things are. But remember, although they want to see the change… they want it for “the others” not so much when change and new expectation hit their doorstep. Change is hard and at the least is anxiety producing. There will be resisters and not everyone will end this journey of the Pacification Evolution with you… and that’s going to have to be ok! The trick is… as a leader to anticipate this and be ready for it. So, how to do it?

  1. Know your vision: What you would like to accomplish, what’s the destination, why it’s important to you, why it’s best for them, and what would they like to get from the experience… allowing us to add value to the vision and more reason for them to follow and enhance their leadership skills!
  2. Now that the vision is clear… EXPECTATIONS are a must! A vision without expectations is simply hope. Expectations set the ground work for developing a process… what are WE going to do consistently to make our dream and vision come to fruition?
  3. Expectations without consequences are merely suggestions. This is difficult for new leaders and people in general. It’s easy to have a dream, it’s easy to say how we get there, it’s hard to hold people accountable. However, it’s easier when we had the buy-in, the word, the commitment, of others… and their behaviors stopped matching the agreed upon vision. Consequences can be as small as a company’s verbal warning or write-up, talking to that student after class or a detention, taking away the “All Powerful Cell Phone” for the evening, communicating (not chastising) with your partner… or… as big as making that “Landmark Firing” of an employee, that suspension or expulsion of that student, discipling our child; making things temporarily harder on us but forever learned for them, or that life-changing break-up with that partner. No matter what direction you choose… choose one; as people are watching and once the tide swings to apathy or they realize your words are just that… words; it’s much harder to steer the ship!
  4. If dysfunction has already set in… I’d suggest the same, but before Step #1 of sharing the vision; be sure to accept full responsibility for the dysfunction. We are the leader and it’s our fault. Express that things need, must, and will change, you hope they are with you, and in the face of change not everyone will finish this journey with us. Share that is reasonable they may not believe change and evolution is coming (because it hasn’t been the pattern) and they are welcome to speak with you about their role in the change, but not the role of others. Now, you are ready for Steps 1-3!

In an intimate relationship; be sure to acknowledge the relationship is not where it could be… not “should”, but “could”. Share the positives of the relationship, followed by what you’d like to add, what they’d like to add, how to combine it, and what can to stop… that takes away and poisons the vision, finally thanking them for making the conversation easier and being willing to dream with you! See my book, “7 Ways to Love” for more!

It’s up to us as Leaders to be mindful of what we start, how we start, and how we continue! Enjoy the process! Pacification will not only punish us; but also, those we’re leading, the organization, and our lives.

“A vision without expectations is simply hope. Expectations without consequences are merely suggestions.” – Andre Young


Written By: Andre Young

Thank You and enjoy your EVOLUTION! Download my FREE app, YEN Push! Remember to allow notifications and EVOLVE professionally and personally! Get You Evolving Now to impact your Company, Athletics, and School by calling the contact number above!

EVOLVE your Life, your Relationships, and YOU with Andre Young's powerful life-changing books!!!

EVOLVE your relationship with the best relationship book out there! These are the 7 things to make or break relationships. YOU do them and your relationship can get better. You both do them... it can get great! If your relationship does not work, 7 Ways to Love provides you peace of mind; knowing you did everything you were supposed to do. After the pain and tears... peace of mind is priceless.

Curiosity didn't kill the cat... it saved the relationship! You are in a relationship with yourself, your partner, your children, co-workers, etc; Stay curious and learn more with a compilation of quotes and questions you've never even thought to ask... ending with do you know your partner's answers, your kid's?

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