Apologizing… for some is the hardest thing in the world! For others… it’s the easiest; every other word is “I’m sorry”. The question is… “Why”? Apologizing tends deals with your pride, image of yourself, and status in relationships. If these three things are not healthy and intact… apologizing can make you feel weak, lesser than, vulnerable, and victim to the persecution and power of the person you are apologizing to. However, an apology done correctly and for the right reason does the opposite… leaving you feeling powerful, accountable, lighter, and more comfortable with leaving the ball in the other person’s court.
First and most importantly… you must understand there is a difference between being truly sorry and simply wanting things to go back to the way were. Although status quo may be comfortable, no one or no relationship can stay the same. Through your experiences, life experiences, and the roller-coaster of the life… things change. Be careful not to invest your energy in trying to recreate an over romanticized past. Invest in your future, moving forward, and EVOLVING! “Sorry” does not fix things… it works to heal them in order to start from where you are.
A true “Sorry” implies understanding and incorporates strength. While an unprocessed sorry can imply feelings of remorse; without understanding the “Why” leads to the situation repeating itself: Why did this happen? Why would I or someone do that? What were they thinking, feeling, and experiencing at that time to make that decision? An unprocessed “Sorry” is equivalent to placing a band-aid on a bullet wound.
A true “I’m Sorry” is work on YOUR part… Beginning with and the understanding of your WHY. When the event occurred… you had thoughts that ran through your head… some too quick to catch and others that got stuck, leading you to perseverate and act. These thoughts made you angry, hurt, scared, fearful, etc. THEN… you lashed out and hurt someone. An EVOLVED apology does not simply cover what you said and did… it explains what you were thinking and how you were first feeling.
Second. Understand your patterns. When you are hurt, scared, offended etc. you have a pattern and tend to react in the same way. You may present a different type of front stage to your boss, compared to your mother, sibling, or partner; but your back-stage (thoughts and feelings) work just the same. When you are hurt, scared, frustrated… you have a pattern which is important for YOU to be aware of. To be “Sorry” you must understand, take responsibility for your pattern, and work to be better… not simply cradle your self-righteous pain and ignore the valid points presented by others.
Third. Understand the other persons “WHY” as well as their pattern. Notice… I did not say agree with their “WHY” The point here is to listen, understand, and honor that they are a person with their own history, baggage, thoughts, feelings, and patterns. YOU are not the only person in the equation!
Fourth… Apologize. Apologies do not have “Buts”… they have boundaries. For example, “I’m sorry I talked behind your back and ruined your reputation, but you…”. I don’t have to finish this sentence, because anything after but is bull and no one hears anything after you blamed them, made it their fault, and you don’t accept accountability.
An apology is “I’m sorry I talked bad about you. I was having a terrible day, took things out on everyone else, and I vented to everyone. That wasn’t right or fair. I tend to do that and its wrong; it won’t happen again. I understand you’re angry and hurt. I’m sorry”.
Fifth. Boundaries… not ultimatums! A boundary states self-respect, relationship- respect, and mutual understanding. Ultimatums make you the boss, one person has the power, and egg-shells have been dropped all over the floor of your relationship… making it increasingly tense and uncomfortable for the other person to exist, be themselves, and enjoy YOU. A boundary says… for us to continue the relationship, I can, can’t, or would like to… How do you feel about that? If yes… great. If not sure… is there room for compromise? If No… you and they have a decision to make to part ways.
An EVOLVED apology is Not a minimization, justification, or rationalization of your behavior. It’s a gift to the offended and a gift for YOU; allowing you humbleness, power, accountability, a lighter feeling, and hopefully an opportunity for a new normal in your relationships. Enjoy your evolution and share your thoughts at www.facebook.com/menevolvingnow/
written by: Andre Young
