Do people really change? I have pondered this question quite a bit in my time as a therapist and reviewing my own life. Especially within relationships, men tend to meet the woman of their dreams and never want them to change. Women tend to meet men and want them to change just a bit or more. Both scenarios are out of our control and unproductive for a healthy relationship, yet we do it every day! So…do and can people really change?
My answer is yes and no. People change, but usually in their time and due to their own life experiences; not yours. There is a natural flow of life; hopefully we are not the exact same person we were as a teenager, or in our twenties, or thirties. How scary is that! Over time, our experiences, and keeping our eyes wide open through the positives and negatives of life…we hopefully expand our understanding, develop more empathy, learn from mistakes, and alter our behavior and thinking. I have watched myself change over time; from a young man to a man, from my first marriage to remarriage, from my first child to my third child, from being an employee to supervisor to entrepreneur. I am truly blown away by the things I used to think, say, and do as a teen, the college years, first marriage, etc. and have EVOLVED in so many ways over the years. We all have a way to go, but I am so glad that my wife and kids have the me of today!
However, the “NO”, is still out there! Most people can change their behaviors, if they really want to or receive the right amount of motivation….or pain! But, at the core, you are who you are! As I look at all of the changes I have made in my life, all the transitions, and my journey; I am the same person at my core. I still like what I like, don’t like what I don’t like, have the same triggers, but I have disciplined my thinking, altered my first reaction, and remained focused on the bigger picture personally, professionally, and emotionally.
This becomes interesting in your relationships and marriage and definitely adds the twists and turns to the roller-coaster ride. “People change and forget to tell each other.” – Lillian Hellman. Wouldn’t it be great if we could change in the same way and at the same time? It doesn’t happen! The best we can do, is honor our partner’s change, the experience that got them there, express our concerns if it’s impacting the relationship, and try to handle our changes as honest and gracefully as we can. If we want our partner to change their behavior and vice versa, our relationships have a chance. If we need them to change their core…good luck. Over the years, how have you changed within your relationship? How has your partner? What have you learned about yourself and your relationship through these changes? Share your thoughts at www.facebook.com/menevolvingnow or www.twitter.com/dremenandwomen . Happy EVOLVING!!!
written by: Andre Young
