I’ve experienced the pain and the opportunity of suffering! Professionally, I remember being promoted due to my skillset but not my leadership skills and suffering. There was a time I struggled to accept and tolerate organizational change and I suffered. As an employee and new leader, I had a strong personality and voice but struggled to know when, where, how, and whom to share it with… and I suffered. Personally… I was preparing to have my first child while graduating college, planning to get married, before knowing myself, with no vision, and simply letting life happen to me… and although that time was filled with great memories and fantastic firsts… I suffered. Leaders understand two things…
- Some of your best Leaders and “Inspired & Motivateds” hide their suffering better than everyone… they simply produce, continuously pull off the impossible, and they suffer in silence until they burnout, suffer health complications, relationship meltdowns, and all of the other outside of work issues.
- Suffering is never solitary… when you suffer, your team suffers, the organization suffers… and that’s not leadership!
Nowadays, I’m honored to meet and train countless leaders worldwide and some of them are suffering for many of the reasons I mentioned above. They’re great people, passionate about their work, willing to evolve, but may be trapped in their professional suffering and simply not know what to do… or naiviely think it will pass once they close the deal, get the promotion, or earn more money! Interestingly enough, although suffering is emotionally painful, draining, and sometimes all-consuming… it can also be a wonderful opportunity to learn, reset, grow, and evolve. So, whether your suffering is from burnout, personality clashes, personal issues, etc… Here’s what to do?
Listen
Years ago, I came up with a quote that remains true; “If you’re not listening, you’re not leading”! When you’re suffering… it’s easy to ONLY listen to the voice in your head. This is the same voice that replays arguments; telling you things you should have said, could’ve said, what you’ll say next time, and that consistently validates your position. It also becomes addictive to seek out who I call “The Bobbleheads”…. Your coworkers, friends, and peers that will always tell you how right you are, what they would do, and agree with you… sending you back more righteously wrong to your team, people, boss, and life!
Listening means you’re willing to do two things…
- Listen to feedback, especially the feedback you don’t enjoy, from your boss, your team, etc. This feedback may appear in your 1-on-1 Meetings, Evaluation Meetings, or Disciplinary Action. In my early employee days and intro into leadership… I made mistakes and received “The Tough Conversation”. I experienced being written-up and had the “Letter in the File”. No, it never feels good; however, a great question to ask is, “What are they right about?”. Of course, there may be times and situations where you disagree, believe you are/were right, and are willing to die on that hill. However, when we feel that way regarding EVERY incident… that’s not leadership! Therefore Listen to direct and indirect feedback, what are they right about, and if you had the situation to do over… what’s one thing you’d do differently?
- Ask for feedback! In my trainings, I share The 5 Types of Leaders. Given your Type… your employees, coworkers, or boss may or may not feel comfortable sharing feedback with you. Perhaps you’re a Connector Type… and the bonds you’ve established make it uncomfortable for people to hurt your feelings. Perhaps you’re an Intense Type and you’re more intimidating to others than you think… or, you know you are and that keeps people at bay. I could go on, but you get the point!
Therefore, ask for feedback regarding your style, communication, etc. from your boss and/or Direct Reports in 1-on-1’s, in your Team Meetings, Brainstorming Sessions, or casually over lunch. Remember… when you’re leader enough to ask; you must be leader enough to listen!
Eat Your Slice!
This Key is short and sweet… as leaders, we must be willing and able to accept 100% responsibility for our mishaps and eat our slice of the pie! Yes, there may be other factors, other people involved, and everyone could have done something different or better… SO WHAT! Leaders start with themselves, what they can do better and will do better moving forward; regardless of whether someone else evolves!
When I was burning out of my job in Mental Health, I remember venting in my office and using some choice language while doing so. Although I was right about everything I said… I was so wrong for saying it the way I said it, the words I chose to use… and that my door was open with an Executive Leader visiting the building visiting from Headquarters… WOW!!! When I was called in for my “Tough Conversation”, the most professional thing I could do at the moment was consider what they were right about and Eat My Slice!
Note: Be mindful not to let your suffering decrease your behaviors, which decreases your leadership and impact!
Solution-Focused-Forward!
Once you’ve “Listened” and “Eaten Your Slice”… now it’s time to brainstorm a solution to help enhance your Leadership & Work/Life Harmony! What are you willing to work on, focus on, and improve? Why? How?
All three…The What, The Why, and The How are equally important! As a leader, hopefully you’re willing… but willingness without a plan can lead to exhaustion and failure; as you are doing your self-proposed changes… it’s important to marry your efforts with what others may need most from you at the moment. What if the changes you desire to make are not really the biggest issue for others? This leads us to the Final Key… The Presentation!
The Presentation!
There are two mantras I live by and teach, professionally and personally:
- Leadership is a marriage… preferably a great one! Marry what you want to do and give… with what the person/people receiving your effort need most from you right now!
- Leaders accompany their problems with a suggested solution!
With these two mantra planted securely in your brains and Leadership Toolbox… it’s now time to present your “Suggested Solution” to your Team or Boss! Let’s start by requesting or scheduling a meeting… acknowledging your short-coming, eating our slice of the pie, presenting our suggested solution, and making this leadership statement…
“Thank You for making and taking the time to meet with me. I understand I’ve struggled in _____ area. I’m still very passionate about my job and my team and have an idea I think will help. I’d like to hear what you like about it and anything you’d fine-tune, change, or anything you feel I’ve left out”. Then share your solution and be ready to digest and utilize feedback!
Tip: In a perfect situation, the other person will give you the best feedback in the world… and deliver it in the most perfect way; providing just bite-size and easily digestible pieces that are incapable of offending you, Lol! In real life, the feedback may be more harsh than expected. Even more harsh is the leader that responds to your suffering by saying, “Oh, just keep doing what you’re doing!” or “You’ll be fine!” or “You’ll figure it out!”.
This response may occur because they truly believe in you, or because they figured it out and assume you will too, they don’t see your worry or suffering as big a deal as you do, they’re not comfortable giving feedback so directly, don’t trust there won’t be ramifications for their honesty, and I could go on but you get the point. There are many reasons others may shrug off your suffering… Therefore, it’s important to offer them permission and more time (if necessary) to shoot you straight!
Whether you get a great response, a response you love, or no response at all… simply begin “The Solution”, marry your “Why”, commit to enhancing your superpower, network with your people and beyond, and care for yourself regularly (making time and taking time to celebrate your wins and recover from tough wins and tough days).
Through a Leader’s Struggle… when things work out and improve; you’ll have pride in knowing you were a piece of the evolution. If things continue to deteriorate and you leave… you get to leave as an asset; not a liability… Be Mindful!
“Be mindful not to let your suffering decrease your behaviors, which decreases your leadership and impact… Be Mindful!” – Andre Young
Written by: Andre Young
Ready to enhance Leadership & Work/Life Harmony for your leaders, employees, and teams… making it easier for your leaders to lead and easier for your employees to follow!
Click www.youevolvingnow.com
