Forgiveness is such an immense topic and dictates the lives of so many for better or worse. We have all be impacted by the hurt from others and the scars that tell our story; some physical and most emotional. I have found that sometimes, the hardest person to forgive can ourselves. Throughout my time as a therapist, it hurt my heart to see so many hold onto pain, regret, and blame. I too have had experiences that will last a life time and would like to share my thoughts on forgiving yourself and others. The most important thing to understand is, forgiveness is a choice. You do not have to forgive anyone at any time; especially if you are not ready. That is fake and will only prolong the process of real living and forgiveness. But before you decide not to forgive, ask yourself this question; “How will your life be better if you don’t”? If you are ready, I’d like to share how to go about it.
When forgiving yourself or others, it’s important to note that it is impossible and unrealistic to forget any type of trauma. Whether the trauma was a lie, cheating, or worse. There is no forgetting, but there is an option to move pass and EVOLVE. We must be willing to stop chasing the novelty of returning to the pass before the offense and making it like it was; and have the strength to accept, create, and live in a new normal.
We must first fully acknowledge the pain and loss and view it with eyes wide open. For some of us it’s hard to even think about the pain, let alone say it out loud. Everyone will handle this differently, some with ease and others with help from friends or professionals. Second, and the most difficult, is a willingness to gain an understanding of the offender’s “why”. Believe me, I am not suggesting that you agree or condone; but understanding anyone’s “why” allows us to step outside of ourselves and gain deeper perspective. The final step is actively living your best life in public and private. Many of us will put our best faces on throughout the day and return home to despair, chaos, depression, and old thinking.
Living your best life in public and private means caring for ourselves emotionally, physically, mentally, and intentionally connecting with others that make us feel positive and whole. It also means being true to our feelings and allowing each emotion both positive and negative; but having an active game plan for the negative. When you feel negative; how long is acceptable for you to accept and explore it? What will you do? Who could you engage with? There is a plethora of activities, clubs, online interactions, and You Evolving Now to pick from!
To recap; forgiveness is a choice, blame is the enemy, and the new normal is awaiting all of us. I welcome you to live your best life and EVOLVE! Share your thoughts with me at www.facebook.com/menevolvingnow or www.twitter.com/dremenandwomen. Join the movement at www.youevolvingnow.com
written by: Andre Young
