Are you “Tweening”? Are your kids or family members going through that strange time of life… the preteen phase and becoming a brand new teenager? It’s amazing how they seem as if they would rather be anywhere else then where they are… wherever they are! I haven’t thought much of my tween years until now, and not sure if I was thinking much at all during that time of my life. However, now as a parent of teens and a younger one soon to cross the threshold, it’s all that’s on my mind!
What were you like and what were you doing through 6th grade to 9th grade? I remember spending time with friends, laughing a lot, and simply existing. Looking back, I don’t remember intentionally trying or wanting to learn about myself or other things or trying to become more and understand more. I was oblivious and lacked empathy to the emotions, hardships, or triumphs of my parents or those close to me. This was not of ill will or lack of humanness, rather a normal and odd time of life. I watched my oldest stumble through this phase and often joke, “I loved my daughter during that time… but I didn’t like her very much”! Once I saw my son begin the stage, I began to understand that it is a phase. To many of us parents, it feels like such a loss. These are our babies and little buddies; the ones you have sacrificed for, spent time with, did everything with, and they couldn’t get enough of you. Now, you need a crow bar to pry the door open and the cell phone out of their hand just to get them to say more than two words to you.
So… what do we do and how do we get them back? The answer is, we will get them back… but it will never be the same. In a good way…They have gone around the dark side of the moon and will soon (some sooner or later than other) will round the bend, back into the light. But it will not and cannot be the same. They have seen things, experienced things, and processed things that have shaped them in new ways; both positive and negative. During this time, it is our job to love them, support them, discipline them, respect them, and guide them.
We love them with our words and actions. Although the tween in your home tweens may not be around as much, they hear you and appreciate being loved…especially in a time of life where they are judged so critically by others and themselves. We support them by learning their interest and delving into their world. Play that video game with them, ask them questions, let them teach you, listen to their music in the car, and seek to understand their opinions and behaviors. I personally, use my EVOLVE book to ask one question per night to each of my children. You would be pleasantly surprised by the answers you get. We must discipline our tweens. They know right from wrong and the rules of the home. They know who is the push over and what they can and cannot get away with. Although quick to complain, there is love and relief in knowing that they’re boundaries. See my previous blog, Discipline/R.E.C.A.P., regarding discipline. We respect our tweens by allowing them their space, but we respect the family by having set family time: eating together, game night, inviting friends over family time, one-on-one time as parent and tween, etc. Finally, we guide them with our words and actions in the various roles we play as parents, partners, friends, professionals, etc. They may not be paying attention, but they are present and are aware. When they look back, what will you want them to say about you? Share your thoughts at www.facebook.com/menevolvingnow or www.twitter.com/dremenandwomen . Happy EVOLVING!!!
written by: Andre Young
