If you have a teenager or pre-teen in your home… you may be exhausted and frustrated by the constant one-word answers, shrug of the shoulders, and blank stare! It’s as if your child was abducted by aliens and their brains were sucked out of their heads. They look like your child… the one you raised and had fun with… but they don’t sound the same and at times you have no idea what’s going on in their head… or their life. The truth is… neither do they!
Pre-teens and teens are biologically and chemically changing faster than they ever will in their entire life… and both of you are trying to keep up! Do you remember when you were 14 years old? The things you were thinking, doing, and feeling? Now add on… not knowing who you are, trying to figure it out, perhaps knowing that your different, pressure to fit in, the opposite sex, homework, housework and house rules, possible split households, and a constant barrage of social media that takes any possible time away that used to be used for thinking and pondering life. So how do you get through this?
As a parent, it’s all about balance and acceptance. You must accept the nature of the age and stage of development… teens cannot know everything you do; they haven’t had enough experience. However, just because you accept… doesn’t mean there is no expectations, communication, consequences, and productive honesty.
What are the expectations of your home and for your relationship with your teen? Have you ever thought of and said your expectations aloud? In my book, 7 Ways to Love, I explain the importance of the Relationship Board Meeting. Have a regular meeting with your teen to discuss the expectations of the house, your expectations of them, their expectations for themselves, and how it’s going.
Communication is the key. Every parent has their own style… is yours working? Every child is different… some need stern, some need hugs, some need encouragement, but they all need care and to building up. This comes with knowing your teen and providing them what is needed… not simply what is easiest or most natural for you to give. The best question on earth is very simple… “Why?”. What is going on in your teens world that, whatever they did, seemed like a good decision at the time?
Consequences come in all shapes and forms. Are there consequences in your home? Are they realistic, enforceable, useful? Or… are your consequences out of anger and only putting band-aids on bullet wounds? Some consequences are just natural. Your teen screwed up and life’s consequence and your disappointment may be enough.
Lastly, Productive Honesty is majorly important. This is not for the meek or easily offended and if you cannot handle the heat… do not ask the question. Life is messy: broken homes, relationships (your and theirs), school drama, sex, etc. Do your best to take away the fear of your teen telling you the hard stuff and their true feelings. Believe it or not… they love you, don’t want to hurt your feelings, and at times try to protect you. Ask the hard questions and ensure them you want to know about them and you are adult enough to hear whatever they have to say. “What are your thoughts on__________? I really want to know because it’s not all about me… and I care about you and us”.
Your teen or pre-teen is a beginning thinker and what you do now will impact both of you later. Enjoy your evolution and share your thoughts at www.facebook.com/menevolvingnow/ Happy EVOLVING!!!
written by: Andre Young
