Remember when you were a teen? The fun you had, spending time with friends, the parties and get togethers, the angst, heartbreak, high school, college. Wow… what a time of life! In some ways… it can be seen as the best time of life… in others, you couldn’t pay me enough to go back there! No matter your position, you can agree it’s the only time in life where your mind and body are changing together at warp speed. It’s a completely narcissistic time of life… when you struggle to see outside of yourself, beyond your friends, and everything is set up just for you. I often tell college students, “This is La-La Land”! Everything is set up to be all about you… from the classes you pick, the dorms your live in, picking your roommates, friends on tap, etc.
If you are raising a teenager, it can equate to you building a rocket ship… caring for it, protecting it, making it space worthy, and filling it with all the jewels and riches you have…. And before you are ready… it begins to launch on its own. You stand by and can only watch; giving direction, love, and support. But they are going around the dark side of the moon. Connection with be lost for a bit, you will panic, mistakes will be made, and you will wait anxiously for them to come around, come back into vision, and land safely… don’t worry… they’re coming… just not in YOUR time!
So how do you do it? First, step back and remember when you were a teen… what you were thinking, how you were thinking, and what you needed? It becomes easy as you age to propose “shoulds” onto your children with your new found adult logic.
The “Why” is as important as the “What”! So many times, as a parent… you focus on and discipline the “What” (their behavior), instead of also addressing their “Why”. This is very important because it allows a bonding experience of understanding, care, concern, connecting, and appreciation. However, the “Why” does not exempt them from consequences. Make sure to discipline fair, reasonable, and doable. See my previous blog, Discipline focusing on R.E.C.A.P. at www.youevolvingnow.com to understand and learn more. Discipline also comes in the form of teaching respect to time spent and conversation. YOU ARE NOT simply a maid, butler, or Uber at their disposal. It’s ok to set an expectation related to cell phone and tech use; balanced with conversation in the car, dinner table, etc.!
Date you kids! I have three children, all in sports, with their own lives, a wife, my business as head of You Evolving Now, and my own life. You will always have a reason why you are too busy. So what! It’s important to make time for your family, but as important to date each of your children individually and regularly. They are different when it’s just you and them, without having to compete with their schedule, brothers and sisters, your marriage/relationship, and life. It can just be a cup of coffee… but the best few dollars you ever spent!
Lastly, learn them and love them. What’s your teens dream? If you don’t know find out. How can you help them achieve it? If they don’t know… it’s ok… love them and find out how to love them best… their way, not always your way. Your teen is listening to you, whether it seems like it or not and your love and efforts will be acknowledged in time. Until then… live right! Your teen will be shaped not only by what you say, but also what you do. Share your thoughts at www.facebook.com/menevolvingnow/ Happy EVOLVING!!!
written by: Andre Young
