At some point in your career as a leader, you’ll experience the pain and pleasure of mediating between two employees, coworkers, or Direct Reports struggling to get along. As a former Mental Health Therapist, I’ve lost count of how many mediations I’ve had the pleasure of conducting… and to be honest, I enjoyed every single one of them! The pain may come from tension boiling over when you least expected… and on one of your busiest of days to boot, or because you have a great relationship with one or both parties, or because you yourself dislike confrontation. But you’re the boss and it’s officially hit your doorstep! Interestingly enough, many of the mediations I conducted within Mental Health Facilities were not patient-to-patient; but rather staff and patient (between a teacher and student). Therefore, many of your mediations may not be between employees, rather your Direct Report and more Front-Line Employees! In either case… How do you do it?
Universal Listening!
For a mediation to be necessary, a negative event has occurred between at least two or more people (for the sake of this article, let’s keep it between two individuals). It’s our job as leaders not only to listen, but to listen to everyone!
Before reacting, doling out disciplinary action via organizational policy, or doing nothing… request to meet with each party separately and any witnesses to the event separately. I’ve found it best to calmly ask to speak with them in a safe place; allowing you to hear their side. During this time, it’s necessary to remain calm, listen, ask permission to take notes (if necessary), and explain it’s so you can keep everything straight, so you don’t forget anything, and they have permission to see what you’re writing if they’d like.
Be mindful to gauge the situation; being empathetic but also providing safety measures for employees and the organization! Who to meet with first may or may not matter. It may prove to be beneficial to meet with the most upset party first… or, giving them time to cool off may be best. Perhaps it’s best to meet first with the person you know the least, so it doesn’t appear to be any favoritism. The order you choose will come from you deciphering the situation. In closing, be mindful to always thank each individual and witness for their time and honesty.
Validity vs. “Real-Life”!
This is my favorite question and one of the keys to making you a successful leader… “What is each party right about?”. Most people are rarely 100% right and rarely 100% wrong. I specifically remember an incident and mediation between a teacher and student. In my meeting with the student, he admitted to sleeping in class, being awakened several times by the teacher, each time the teacher was yelling, threatening him with consequences, the teacher ignored his prompts to leave him alone; he then admitted to standing up, throwing desks, cursing, and threatening the teacher. Crisis Staff was alerted and assisted in removing the teen from the classroom.
In my meeting with the teacher, an older woman who I had the pleasure of working with for many years and enjoyed dearly… she shared she was simply doing her job of prompting the sleeping student every ten minutes as she was trained to do, docking his behavioral points, making him aware as she was trained to do, and he suddenly exploded! Several witnesses corroborated the accounts of the incident.
Let’s look at what was valid! The student’s account was valid. He was sleeping in class, aware of the rule, didn’t care about the rule, and told the teacher to leave him alone. She didn’t; therefore he said, “What was I supposed to do?”. Of course, you and I know there were many other things he could have done instead of swelling-up on a little old lady, but that’s something to discuss later. The teacher’s account was valid and she was literally following the rules and her professional guidelines. Lastly, every witness gave the same account.
Now, let’s examine “Real-Life”! During the month this incident took place, our facility was in major turmoil. We were on the verge of riots daily… I’m not sure if you’ve ever worked in a facility with patients or incarcerated individuals, but there are times when tension is so high, you can actually feel the tea kettle about to blow and can cut the tension with a knife! This was the culture of the building; numerous physical restraints per day, the Behavior Pods full to the max, staff burning-out, and more. Although the teacher was RIGHT, did it make sense to consistently wake a sleeping bear? Just as the student could have done some things differently; so could the teacher… especially to ensure her safety first and allow Crisis Staff to focus on more pressing issues. Bear with me, as we’ll get to alternative actions in a bit!
The moral of the story is… when meeting with your people individually, it’s important to listen to what they’re right about and share the other party’s possible perspective; keeping in mind the situation of the day, the people, the organization, and what alternative acts both parties can utilize that they may not be aware of due wanting to do their job, maintaining adherence to company policy, or to satisfy their emotion of the minute!
The Sit-Down!
While meeting with each party individually, here are a few questions to ask:
- Knowing what you know now, what (if anything) would you do differently?
- If you had the situation to do over again (knowing what you know now) is there anything you’d do differently? Why?
- You both are important parts of what we do here and the goal is to address and resolve the issue. Would you be willing to sit with ___ and myself to discuss; as we look to care for all of our people and promote Positivity, Passion, and Production? My job is to simply keep things civil, give you both the floor, and possibly help with a solution if necessary; you get to say what you would like and the purpose is to come to a better understanding”. Feel free to make this statement your own!
Once both parties agree, schedule a time for the mediation and make both parties aware.
Once they’re in your office or a safe space, it’s vital to Thank them both for being there… as neither one of them had to attend; so this is a BIG Win… and be sure to share the ground rules:
- One person will start; they can choose
- No profanity or name-calling
- If someone needs a break, they can exit and return
After they agree to the ground rules, I like to recap what I know about the event and ask them to share their account of how things escalated, why they were upset, and how can we best move forward… remember the goal is NOT to get the story perfect… it’s to move forward in a Positive and Productive manner with two people Passionate… at the very least, willing to do their job! I’ve done well in mediation explaining my sign for “Time-Out” (making the capital letter T with my hands). I share that I may do this from time to time; requesting that the person speaking pause and listen or pause and answer a question.
As a leader, when a person begins to share… you may be tempted to interject, explain, assist, or lead the conversation. This will prove to be your most challenging moment… simply BEING QUIET! Remember, the floor is theirs until they prove it’s unhelpful or tanking, Lol! When someone makes an enlightening statement or a point is being missed that only you can see… use your time-out. It’s also important for the leader to acknowledge both parties have a point; ensuring no one feels ganged-up on!
As points are being made and time is winding down; a great question to ask is… “So, how do we best move forward so this isn’t an issue”. You may also say, “We obviously cannot continue like this, so how to we best move forward so this isn’t an issue any longer?”. You may be surprised by how both parties come to terms on their own; and when they cannot, that’s where you come in. Leaders don’t lead with their suggested solution, but have one ready in their back pocket when necessary!
Note: When disciplinary action is warranted, do it! A mediation does not mean the absence off consequences… it also doesn’t mean consequences have to be given. When the behavior continues, action must be taken. Remember, your employees are only doing what they’re allowed to do!
Note: If one party or both refuse the mediation. It’s useful to document a mediation was offered, ask them what they will do differently moving forward, when they don’t have an answer YOU provide it, provide professional disciplinary action if necessary, and inform your higher-ups to best protect your leadership, your organization, and your bosses blind-side!
Update!
In some cases, updating your policy, procedures, and management tactics may be beneficial to best lead through your organization’s current changes, climate, and culture. For example, after the mediation I shared earlier… we gathered Classroom Staff and adjusted the “Sleeping-Student Rule”. Of course, we wanted every student awake, attentive, and learning… we also wanted staff and other students to be safe. Instead of waking a sleeping student every 10 minutes… we agreed to wake them twice. Once to wake, the second to inform of the loss of behavioral points. If they woke and remained awake and alert, great! If they continued to sleep, let a sleeping bear lay, and inform their therapist and their family. Lastly, if the day was calm… let’s get back to normal and request the student to exit the classroom and utilize the Behavior Pod. All students were briefed thereafter.
We also conducted a staff training. They wanted to do their job and were offended a student was sleeping while they were teaching… and setting a bad example for other students… very understandable! Leadership shared the challenges and hellacious behaviors staff were facing in the Behavior Pods, in other areas of the building outside of their classroom, and how many staff would kill for their biggest problem to be a sleeping student. We explained the new procedure and how to best prompt a sleeping student.
In a perfect world, we would have chosen to update the overall vision of our program. What were we becoming as a facility? Were we prepared for it? Do we have the right staff? Is our intake process of student/client hurting us or helping us? Unfortunately, this was not the case and the culture of the facility continued to decline due to poor leadership practices and the organization loss a multitude of great staff. However, the organization continues to exist to this day and I’m happy to say they’ve rebounded quite nicely by filling key leadership positions, hiring more appropriately, and addressing professional culture issues!
Graciousness!
Post mediation, EVERY participating party gets treated great! As a leader, you’ve either strengthened your connection, strained your connection, or gained a connection after a mediation! Therefore, at the minimum, it’s necessary to maintain the connection… and at the most… strengthen the connection. Strengthen your connection by marrying what you want to do and give… with what the person/people receiving your effort need most for you right now. In my case, I was sure to visit the classroom to say hello to that teacher and student, walk the halls to show my face, have side conversations with staff and students during lunch, invite students to my office to play chess, and attend After-Work-Fridays with staff! It never ceases to amaze me how much more people will do for you, with you, because of you, and forgive about you… when they have a great connection with you… Be Mindful!!!
“As a leader, you’ve either strengthened your connection, strained your connection, or gained a connection after a mediation… Be Mindful!”
– Andre Young
Written by: Andre Young
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