Hurt – Andre Young
My brother and I don’t see each other often, but when we do we have amazing conversations about life and people. On one occasion we were talking about emotional pain and how people manage and he said something that will stick with me forever. He said, “Hurt people hurt people” (Randy Young). It is so simple and yet makes so much sense. People who are hurt tend to retaliate consciously or unconsciously by hurting people. I have remembered this in my relationships with my wife, family, business, and throughout my former career as a mental health therapist.
When hurt, we all have different ways in which we respond. Some respond with anger and words and acts that are as sharp as daggers. Some disconnect and retreat into silence; we all know about the Silent Treatment! Some sweep it under the rug; only to fester later as resentment, blame, and bitterness. No matter our method, all of these are harmful to you, your relationships, and our children who are watching and mimicking our behaviors. It’s important for us to acknowledge that we have been hurt, share why, and put the ball back in the other person’s court. If they continue their same ways, now we have a decision to make on if or how to continue the relationship.
On the other side, if you are the one doing the hurting and confronted by someone; here is the Three-Headed Monster to avoid: Justifying, rationalizing, and minimizing. Justifying is making excuses for your behavior. “I did this because you did that etc.”. Rationalizing is trying to make sense out of your negative behaviors in a smart way. “I had to do it because…”. Minimizing is my biggest pet peeve! It’s saying that your behavior wasn’t all that bad. “I was only an hour late”. “Why are you being so sensitive”. This Three-Headed Monster we accept little or no responsibility for our actions and ignore the feelings of the other person.
When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t. – Louis C.K. In what ways have you/may you be hurting your partner, parents, friends, siblings, yourself? How do you make amends? How do you like other to apologize to you? Happy EVOLVING?
